Happy Chinese New Year

Sun nin faai lowk!!! Or as the Chinese say, Happy New Year!!!! Did you know that there are now twelve official animals in the Chinese Zodiac? Neither did we – but we did know that their Zodiac was not formalized until recently (and by recent in Chinese astrology terms, we mean 3,000 years ago). Prior to being formalized, there were alternative zodiacs out there that portended different things for different years, sort of like how there are alternative gospels. The difference being, of course, that these Zodiacs are completely made up by us while the alternative gospels are completely made up by someone else. Lets’ take a look at what the signs tell us, shall we?

2001 – Year of the Dodo: this animal was known for its supreme idiocy and wound up goofballing itself into extinction. In an entirely unrelated happenstance, George W. Bush took office that January

1996 - Year of the Fat Pig: is this because the Packers won the Super Bowl? We're sure the good people of Wisconsin do not appreciate the passive aggressive crack on their weight. Ever spent a winter in the Midwest? You try going out in -20 wind chill and running a few miles

1964 Year of the Beatle – wow, even got the spelling right

29 B.C – Year of the Unicorn: What the fuck? This year doesn’t even make sense. Besides, are 5 year old girls in charge of assigning animals to years now? What’s next, Year of the Pony?

28 B.C. – Year of the Pony: touché

1933 - Year of the Megalomaniacal Teutonic Dictator – kinda says it all right there. Pretty prescient if you ask me

410 - Year of the Three Legged Dog – like your beloved childhood pet. Things were going so great until the little guy got hit by a car, the days of playing frisbee on the beach were over and you seriously began to think about giving him the Ol’ Yeller treatment. Likewise, things were going so well for the Romans until the Visigoths sacked Rome in August of this year–signaling the beginning of the decline of their Empire. Oh well, at least they were still able to play frisbee

1929 - Year of the Chameleon – sure, the stock market collapsed and the world looked like it was totally going to shit, but look at all the influential people who came into the world that year: Martin Luther King Jr., Fats Domino, Audrey Hepburn, the future Jackie Kennedy. Ok, the zodiac is trying to comfort you in troubled times, cut it some slack.

1637 - Year of the Lantern Fish – French philosopher Descartes accidentally begins the Age of the Enlightenment, illuminating the minds of all Europe like a lantern fish illuminates the bottom of the sea, when he publishes his Discourse on the Method which may or may not have been a persuasive argument for a young French maiden to sleep with him as she could not possibly get pregnant at that time of the month (it’s just science baby). At least that’s what we heard, we haven’t read it.

1948 - Year of the Sacred Cow – in honor of the independence of India? Wow, way to go Chinese. Very multi culti

1985 - Year of the Dragon – just a kick ass movie starring Mickey Rourke in his prime, though not as good as The Pope of Greenwhich Village. Also, this film offended many Chinese people, as this list is likely to. Speaking of the Mickster, we're pumped for Iron Man 2.

2010 – Year of the Coon: Holy shit Chinese. We've got a black president now. Not cool!